When I was younger, Christmas always seemed a time of possibility. I kept a seed store of secret dreams buried deep. As a
teenager and even when I was home from college, I loved to walk outside
at night, smelling wood smoke and picking out my favorite light
displays in the neighborhood. I'd think that maybe
this was the year that some boy would think I was pretty and fall in love with me. I'd imagine we'd set up a small house somewhere and it would be capital "H" happy.
Christmas memories from my childhood survive only if they were extreme. Every once in awhile, my sister will ask, "Do you remember the
sleds?", referring to the year my parents divorced. They bought us so much that the gift opening seemed to go on for hours. All the gifts were stacked up in big sleds for us to play with in the snow. We used them, first, to cart our haul back to our rooms. I know our parents meant for us to remember it as a wonderful Christmas. I remember it as a BIG Christmas.
If my grandma was there, she always arrived from Iowa with grocery bags full of home baking. Cans of beans, tomatoes, frozen strawberries and apple butter - all made with things from her garden. She usually brought handmade quilts for my sister and I or little things from Avon. It wasn't "big city", but I realize - now too late - how much she thought about me and what I might like.
There was the year my mother was so depressed that my gift was a free coffee mug she had gotten from work, all balled up in newspaper with a post-it note for a gift-tag. My grandma died and decorating stopped, cooking stopped, lots of things stopped. We stopped dressing up, we stopped going to candlelight services, we just stopped.
Ten years later, in a fit of optimism, I got married for the second time - on Christmas Day in 2004. It was a good thing. I became part of a much bigger family and they make me happy. I'm still adjusting to the time challenge of shopping for fifteen people instead of three. It takes a lot to negotiate everyone's expectations about what the holidays should, or should not, be. And my expectations are the highest in the bunch. All those teenage imaginings about what a happy family would do during the holidays rise up and attack me.
The first year I hosted Christmas dinner, I stood in front of my holiday table and
realized why my grandma always insisted on taking a photo before we ate. It was hours of work and love - and would be gone in a
flash. Though I loved what my grandma did for us, I don't think I really understand the nature of that gift until I took it on myself. And I don't do in a
year for others what my grandma did in one week. Some of the more cynical people in my family have said that my grandma wasted her life, always putting others first.
This family has
so much. I was really down last week after a conversation I had over gifts. I try to put the heart-give back in Christmas, buying handmade or making something personal. I spend about $50 on a gift card and then I take time to choose
something personal - something I'm pretty sure they'll want and like. But different family - different expectations. I don't spend enough compared to what they are used to. It's not the first time I've been told, I'm just a slow learner. It hurt. A lot.
I guess when I think of a good Christmas, I think of my grandma and the things she made. That's who I want to be. So I thought of three people I love - but never get to see - and then baked them each a box of homemade cookies. They are seeds of love wrapped in plastic.
Thanks for listening. And here's the recipe for
Chocolate Chip Peppermint Crunch Crackles.
*By the way, if you want to watch a good movie about baking for people you love, not being understood, and running away with your sweetheart, check out "Bonjour Monsieur Shlomi".