I made an appointment with a personal shopper last week hoping it would save me some time and energy during a busy trip to the city. Living in Montana, there are just things I need but can't find here and I'm still humping around on a bad foot. The idea of a personal shopper doing a little bit of work on my behalf was definitely attractive.
Short summary: The personal shopper experience was a colossal waste of time. Her main interest was to clothe me in the style she prefers for herself. In Scotland, we called this style "mutton dressed as a lamb." Imagine a 45 year-old, too-tan, slightly overweight woman dressed as a 20 year-old. Any of these women could serve as your mental picture for this blog post:
Except she didn't even look that good.
So, I go in the private dressing room and, luckily, there is a complimentary bottle of water in the room. I suck it down while I eyeball what she's pulled for me and try to figure out how to respond. I had requested "summer tops;" "no premium denim because I have too many pairs already;" a smaller black handbag, just as a start.
I'm looking back at multiple pairs of premium denim, four giant black messenger bags, and a slew of weird tops that I know, just by seeing them on a hanger, will make me look like a pregnant Dolly Parton. But I decide to try a few things. I talk to her about them and tell her I'm going to show her why they won't work for me.
First up, this Helmut Lang cowl neck top. If I was willing to share photos of myself in a dressing room on this blog, I would. Just to show you how ugly this top was. It doesn't even look that great on the model - who is twenty years younger and has no shape whatsoever.
So the personal shopper goes back on the floor and brings me this Elizabeth and James number. This line, by the Olsen twins, was designed for the anorexic woman who wishes to deflect any attention to her body.
Another choice piece from Elizabeth and James. Again, it should be noted that I am way, way too old for these clothes and they don't suit my figure at all. They might look great on someone else - but they don't look good on me.
Oh, and the Ella Moss pants. Which, on the upside, would have plenty of room for a pair of Depends underneath.
It's obvious, by this time, that personal shopper isn't a good listener and we're getting nowhere. By accident, she brings me a jacket that works. A beautiful moss green Vince in buttery soft suede.
We talk about the reasons why this jacket works for my body (the structure, the darts, the color) and then she goes off onto the floor and brings back this.
Two things that don't go together? A bosom-y woman and a bat wing jacket. She was a walking example of a person who couldn't grow with her age. It was sad.
To be a good salesperson, you have to be a good listener and a problem solver. Here I am - a busy consultant with absolutely NO SHOPPING in my town - and this woman couldn't sell me a single thing. I left without buying a single thing. Not even a pair of underwear. She wasted two hours out of my day, besides.