I woke up crabby, I'm not sure why. The only thing I'm sure about is that the morning coffee was too weak and the crab has lasted most of the day. I tried to project it onto other things (finances) and other people (our cats' vet; our wh*re neighbors who haven't taken their trash to the curb for the past four weeks) with mixed degrees of success.
I stormed out of the house to head for Starbucks, then the office, insisting that I needed to be alone today - not even a text message! I shrilled. I need to work! I need to earn money! I cut someone off on the turn into the coffee drive-thru and thought about paying for her latte, just like I've read about in those "Chicken Soup for the A-hole's Soul" books, but I decided to just be an A-hole instead and let her pay for her own latte.
Somewhere on the way back from Starbucks, I decided to "angry shop" as a coping mechanism vs. going to the office. I went to TJ Maxx to buy the odd combination of maple syrup (which they always seem to have, and I am out of but they didn't have this time) and some running shorts.
I've been flip-flopping around on the shorts issue - I don't have any - but am loathe to try them on. I realized that part of the glory of the total lack of shopping in NW Montana protected me from many a dressing room mirror. I mail ordered, tried things on in the comfort of my own home and only when I was showered, blown dry, and in the mood. I guess I can still do that, but it's an awful hassle to ship them back if you could have left them in the store in the first place.
J says, "Why do you have to look at them? Just put them on and if they fit, buy them and wear them running. It doesn't matter what they look like." It must be so much easier to be a man.
And maybe I shouldn't get that bent about it. But I don't know how much I weigh, anymore. The last time I got on the scale - maybe November, when I went to the hospital - I was down about 15 pounds since starting the vegan thing. I convinced myself not to get on the scale for awhile afterward, saying that I'd do it once a month, on the 15th or so, and not more often than that. But I haven't done it. I have purchased smaller pants, and smaller bras, and smaller underwear. I've noticed that even my eyeglasses are a little loose, but I don't want to weigh in. Instead I find myself worrying that I've regained weight, even two pounds, or that I've regained it all.
I tried on the XL running shorts and they were too big, so I just grabbed two pairs of L's and threw them in the cart to try on at home. I tried them on in front of J and he said they looked fine. So I can run in them without getting so hot, I guess. I was feeling bad that the shirt I bought was a size Large, until I realized that even when I was very thin, I usually wore a Large on top, but no matter, I can still get depressed about it, right? It's amazing how quickly the insecurity button resets itself. You would think I'd be happier to be smaller (I *guess* I am), but now I'm just afraid I'm not small enough. I ran 3 miles yesterday and felt bad about it because it was slow, versus feeling good that I was able to do it at all.
I bought the shorts, five pounds of TJ Maxx coffee, a summer top for $15, a whole bunch of mini-tins I might use for hand-poured candles but will probably just rust in the art studio. I went next door to Target and bought a little microwave for the office that I guess I'm going to stay in this year. I've worked out I like a hot lunch, so this way, I'll have a hot lunch. I looked at those K-cup coffee makers for the office. So much waste for a cup of coffee - you throw away a little plastic thing four times a day? Really? But, on the other hand, so convenient - you don't have to touch anything wet. But I passed them by, knowing I can nuke hot water in my microwave.
Then I spoke to A. (just now), and she cheered me up with her sympathetic ear. Yes, she agrees that people should charge a fair price and do quality work so you'll come back again and again. Versus overcharging until you lose the customer for good. And that you should never get your hair done by a friend. Or become friends with your hairdresser, because then it will go all wrong. About how her eye doctor overcharges and never seems really appreciative of the work. Because we both work hourly and most hours aren't billable, so while I may sit at a desk for 8 or ten hours at a time, maybe only one of those hours I get paid for. And so giving someone ten hours of my billable time means that I've spent 100 hours at my desk. And so it is deeply unsatisfying to overpay for average work. Together, we agreed never to do business with friends because they are hard to "fire" whether it's hair, or eyes, or veterinary care. And they never appreciate it to the level of difficulty it is for us to provide them with the work.
And now I feel better.