Starting Over. Again.

Today I went through my closet, FLYlady style. Three surgeries in three years have taken a toll on my body, and I decided that I may have to come to terms with the possibility that things might never be the same. For awhile, I've been wanting to go through my clothes and store everything I can't wear right now. I did a little every day, throwing things into a paper bag if they didn't fit until the bag tipped over and exploded. It's been looking like this for about two months. I just couldn't get through it.

But yesterday I started weight training again - with mixed feelings. I had "trained" for this last surgery, with 90 minutes of cardio each day plus hard core strength training. It definitely helped me through recovery, but somewhere along the line, all that muscle turned to jell-o. And I realized, that my struggle at the gym was the same struggle I was having with my closet. I have to start all over. Again. Pretending like it's the first time and praying it's the last. 

 

I'm not sure why, but that clicked with me and I went to work this morning. I sorted through the clothes and the memories that went with them. Fabric remnants of what it felt like to be in pain for three solid years, of being a science experiment for a handful of doctors who never had to experience the laundry list of side effects they'd chosen for me. Of thinking each and every time that I was almost done with all of this. Only to find out, once again, that I wasn't even close.

I took out every article of clothing that was worn, out of season or didn't fit and put it on the bed. It fell into two distinct piles. Good, pre-sick clothes worth trying to fit into again: My favorite Vera Wang and Theory skirts and the Max Mara suits for work.  Bad, sick clothes: The bigger pants and bras to accomodate the bloat of too much estrogen and the cheap Target t-shirts stained with the wild animal sweats of chemically induced menopause. Big underwear with stretchy waistbands that don't aggravate incisions. Those things I don't want to fit into ever again. So I bagged it all up for Goodwill. And this is what I have left.

Four pairs of pants, six blouses, and four sweaters. All Eileen Fisher, the outfitter of [my] menopause. And one gray cashmere sweater from Costco. Free at last.

Comments

[Heidi]

WMIMUMMA asked what made me decide to do it - I guess I realized that it was time to quit whining, and accept my body the way it is. Walking in there every day and seeing things that don't fit just made me feel worse. I saved things that are worth fitting into again (and put them in storage), but got rid of the clothes that made me feel fat and sick. I think its ok to save some clothes just because they are beautiful and have happy memories associated with them. I've certainly done that too!

[WMIMUMMA]

WOW!!! I am so impressed. Wondering, what made you finally "decide" to get rid of the clothes? I have tried to redo a closet for five years and still have too much stuff. Cannot decide what to get rid of because I have a lot of nice things. Hate having to decide. :(
Would love to see a closet like yours in my house.

[FlyLady Katie]

Thank you for sharing your blog and pictures with FlyLady. We are so proud of you for all that you have and are accomplishing!! You are moving past your surgeries and you are FLYing. Your closet looks great!!!! You are right....you will no longer feel bad when you look in your closet!! Give yourself a big GO ME!!!

[katie]

wow - you inspirational woman - what energy - what a task to complete - I am in awe. big respect.

[Heidi]

Thanks for all the support, guys. It definitely feels good when I go in there - no psychological demands, just clean. It freaked Mike out though. He thought I was moving out. I told him I'd never give him the pleasure of being free of me. ;)

[teent]

That's awesome Feng Shui. I totally approve.

[Kim]

Wow. You must feel great to have that task done. As you said, sometimes cleaning out is more than the physical act. It's amazing to me how many emotional barriers I have to getting rid of certain items around my house. Good for you!

[Beezelbarb]

If Flylady could read this she would undoubtedly say, "I'm so proud of you!" while crying purple puddles (which I'm doing right now). But since she's not reading this, all I can say is good job releasing all that negative energy - you've freed up room for the good energy to come rushing right back into the vacuum of your very empty closet!

[craig]

That caught me off guard, too funny.

[Tessa]

im proud of you :)