I haven't said much about what happened back there. I'm embarrassed. That's the short summary. I wasn't going to write about it on this blog, either, but I feel like it helps me a little to be able to be honest about it. Keeping it hidden is what I've done for the last five years - I need to stop doing that. Not even my sister and my BFF D., were aware of the extent of what was going on.
So. I should have known better. I should have run the other way but by the time I knew that it was too late. Ok, it probably wasn't. But he was great at triggering something deeply rooted within me - a desire to fix things; to get things back in "balance" and a belief that I could actually do that if I applied rigourously applied myself.
I genuinely loved him, though over the course of our marriage that love would change because he changed. Not a little bit of change. Not the kind of change that happens in any relationship over time. Sea change. Our relationship stood on constantly shifting sands. Within days of our wedding, he could no longer be the person he presented himself to be. Before the end of one year together, I remember finding a mylar balloon I'd saved from our wedding, then locking myself in the bathroom with it and crying my eyes out. Love; deflated.
He showed me his other side before we were married in brief flashes, but I ignored it. I wanted the good stuff, I was used to making compromises when it came to being loved, I was already focused on trying to get things back to "normal." And "normal" was dealt out like a winning hand just often enough to keep the game going. The game was good in front of other people, so we always had other people around.
And then it was too late. I genuinely loved our family and that hasn't changed, because they are the same people they always were. So.
I'm asking people who love me to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. There is a Kindle edition $8.26 - if you can afford it and if not, you can email me and I will send you a copy. Yes. I really will.
And I really will tell you about the happier times I'm having now with J. I really will.
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