two kitties/small city

Crabby.

I woke up crabby, I'm not sure why. The only thing I'm sure about is that the morning coffee was too weak and the crab has lasted most of the day. I tried to project it onto other things (finances) and other people (our cats' vet; our wh*re neighbors who haven't taken their trash to the curb for the past four weeks) with mixed degrees of success.

I stormed out of the house to head for Starbucks, then the office, insisting that I needed to be alone today - not even a text message! I shrilled. I need to work! I need to earn money! I cut someone off on the turn into the coffee drive-thru and thought about paying for her latte, just like I've read about in those "Chicken Soup for the A-hole's Soul" books, but I decided to just be an A-hole instead and let her pay for her own latte.

Somewhere on the way back from Starbucks, I decided to "angry shop" as a coping mechanism vs. going to the office. I went to TJ Maxx to buy the odd combination of maple syrup (which they always seem to have, and I am out of but they didn't have this time) and some running shorts.

I've been flip-flopping around on the shorts issue - I don't have any - but am loathe to try them on. I realized that part of the glory of the total lack of shopping in NW Montana protected me from many a dressing room mirror. I mail ordered, tried things on in the comfort of my own home and only when I was showered, blown dry, and in the mood. I guess I can still do that, but it's an awful hassle to ship them back if you could have left them in the store in the first place.

J says, "Why do you have to look at them? Just put them on and if they fit, buy them and wear them running. It doesn't matter what they look like." It must be so much easier to be a man.

And maybe I shouldn't get that bent about it. But I don't know how much I weigh, anymore. The last time I got on the scale - maybe November, when I went to the hospital - I was down about 15 pounds since starting the vegan thing. I convinced myself not to get on the scale for awhile afterward, saying that I'd do it once a month, on the 15th or so, and not more often than that. But I haven't done it. I have purchased smaller pants, and smaller bras, and smaller underwear. I've noticed that even my eyeglasses are a little loose, but I don't want to weigh in. Instead I find myself worrying that I've regained weight, even two pounds, or that I've regained it all.

I tried on the XL running shorts and they were too big, so I just grabbed two pairs of L's and threw them in the cart to try on at home. I tried them on in front of J and he said they looked fine. So I can run in them without getting so hot, I guess. I was feeling bad that the shirt I bought was a size Large, until I realized that even when I was very thin, I usually wore a Large on top, but no matter, I can still get depressed about it, right? It's amazing how quickly the insecurity button resets itself. You would think I'd be happier to be smaller (I *guess* I am), but now I'm just afraid I'm not small enough. I ran 3 miles yesterday and felt bad about it because it was slow, versus feeling good that I was able to do it at all.

I bought the shorts, five pounds of TJ Maxx coffee, a summer top for $15, a whole bunch of mini-tins I might use for hand-poured candles but will probably just rust in the art studio. I went next door to Target and bought a little microwave for the office that I guess I'm going to stay in this year. I've worked out I like a  hot lunch, so this way, I'll have a hot lunch. I looked at those K-cup coffee makers for the office. So much waste for a cup of coffee - you throw away a little plastic thing four times a day? Really? But, on the other hand, so convenient - you don't have to touch anything wet. But I passed them by, knowing I can nuke hot water in my microwave.

Then I spoke to A. (just now), and she cheered me up with her sympathetic ear. Yes, she agrees that people should charge a fair price and do quality work so you'll come back again and again. Versus overcharging until you lose the customer for good. And that you should never get your hair done by a friend. Or become friends with your hairdresser, because then it will go all wrong. About how her eye doctor overcharges and never seems really appreciative of the work. Because we both work hourly and most hours aren't billable, so while I may sit at a desk for 8 or ten hours at a time, maybe only one of those hours I get paid for. And so giving someone ten hours of my billable time means that I've spent 100 hours at my desk.  And so it is deeply unsatisfying to overpay for average work. Together, we agreed never to do business with friends because they are hard to "fire" whether it's hair, or eyes, or veterinary care. And they never appreciate it to the level of difficulty it is for us to provide them with the work. 

And now I feel better.

[Little] Man's Search For Meaning.

 

White Kitty, aka "Karl" or "Little Man" checks out the neighborhood.

Lately, I've been deep in e-conversation with blog friend kstreetjournal about...well, it's about a lot of things. But the overarching question is whether it is best to write about the difficult stuff or to keep the blogs all "shiny and successful and American Dreamy..."

You know, I think I've done both. The felted sweater people came in droves but would instantly abandon me whenever I wrote about some of the things that were on my mind. It was sometimes discouraging, almost like you could hear someone saying, "I don't care what you think, I just want you to shut your pie hole and sew," as a button clicked ''unsubscribe' in the background.

I thought my writing had candor. I preferred my style to blogs that present endless accounts of bright, happy, well-scrubbed marriages and perfect children. Who can help but be disappointed by the reality of a marriage after so much buildup? We think we've come a long way, baby, but we're still dreaming up 'perfect' weddings and cooking photo-perfect dinners we feel too guilty to eat.  No one says a word about what happens when your partner loses a job, your mother-in-law turns against you, or you gain fifty pounds because you hate your life. Maybe someone should. Sometimes I think I may have helped someone; there is so much of that whitewashing going on in the world.

But I can see, now, that I was only telling partial truths myself. Because you don't want to ruin it - for yourself or for others. You seek out the beauty in the every day, wherever you can find it. You imbalance toward your strengths. I look back at the old blog and...I know I was there and what I said was true enough at the time...it is my real history. But I also feel very removed; I no longer identify that way of thinking; writing; looking at the world as my own. It's strange, but also strangely o.k.

I've stopped reading a few blogs here and there. One woman was always uploading photos of herself but saying how she "never uploads photos of herself" and rounding it out with a healthy dose of how cool she used to be in the 80's, just proof that her son started listening to her old cassette tapes. Her blog is hugely popular and I felt like that was the whole point. She was always trying to remind me that she was hugely popular and creative and super perfect and after awhile, I just didn't care. I checked in some months later and saw that she had changed her tack. Not getting a book deal from the first go 'round she tried something else; disorganized "real" mother type of thing. It still doesn't work because it still lacks authenticity. Another woman had more interesting things to say but rounded out every blog post with a small complaint. And I found that got on my nerves. Like, I'm really sorry your new $10 yoga mat has a crease in it, but...quite frankly, you just sound like a whiner. And if that's your authentic self, I don't want to be your blog friend.

But then, that's not really fair, either. People don't really know you from your blog. Not the all of you. I spent some time on FB today making suggestions to someone about a book cover and later it seems my suggestions turned out to be somewhat smart. And I wanted to say..."Well,  yes, I'm not just a cat-loving; exercising; book-reading, People-of-Walmart.com following Vegan. I kind-of/sort-of know a lot about developing and promoting creative work. But, of course, they probably don't know that. Sometimes I try to talk about work on FB but people seem to prefer my posts about my new vintage leopard faux fur coat.

What's your view? Should blogs write in the difficult bits? Or stay American Dreamy? Or is it more complicated than that?

2011: Year in New View.

My sister shared this link with me and I like it. First sentence, "Even if you didn't reach all the goals you set for yourself this year, you still had many successes." I decided to give it a whack, a follow-up on my annual review.

 

Make a list of all the things you learned this year:

Galloway's running method; how to bake with ground flax (versus eggs); a great deal about Actors' Equity union; how to tile a bathroom; how to hang sheet rock; that I'm severely allergic to poison ivy; that there are very good reasons quilters do things the way they do; it's not my job to make everyone in the room feel comfortable; Quickbooks. I might add to this list over the next few days.

 

People you met and connected with:

Zannestar, my long time blog friend; inspiring new theatre people at a big conference; reconnected with several folks from high school, but on a grown-up level. The Grand Poobah.

Blog and websites you were featured on:

Refinery29.com; thecollaredsheep.com, any of my own websites (of course).

What helpful books did you read:

SHED by Julie Morgenstern - not just organizing, but getting things sorted so that you are in position for the life you want to have. Engine 2 Diet. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. Elegies for the Brokenhearted by Christie Hodgen. The latter is a series of short stories - so wonderful. I had to take a month off reading after I finished it so I could digest what she had done.

 

What did you do that was totally out of your comfort zone:

I rented an office after ten years of working from home; I started a new business; moved to a new town; drove cross-country by myself.I put in ad in a national magazine for my old and new businesses.

 

New items you created:

I made a baby quilt.Developed a series of retail products and a new website.Started a work place advice column.

A new skill you learned:

Vegan baking.

The number of new followers on Facebook, Twitter, and your blog:

I think I have 300+ followers on Twitter this year; maybe 50 on LinkedIn; maybe 50 on Facebook; and I'm not sure about the blogs. This blog was only shared with a handful of old followers; new ones are welcome, as they find it organically.

 

How many blog posts did you write:

 Not as many on my personal site, but I tried to write more frequently on my work blog.

 

Places you showed your art:

Uh....

Shows you applied to and got into:

None.

I included those two questions because (perhaps) next year I will have different answers.

 

Your revamped studio space:

I like my new studio. It was a bedroom that J converted for me. We sprayed the whole thing white and I bought a drafting table at a garage sale. It has a really nice, sunny feel to it. Especially in the morning. My black cat loves to spend time in there. When she hears the door open she runs upstairs and jumps on my chair. In the summer, she positions herself in front of the air conditioner becuase she likes the air blowing on her. I like being close to water to clean brushes (I didn't have water in my Montana studio) and a bathroom. Looking at these old pictures, I'm also glad I have heat and the pesticide truck isn't screaming through every two days spraying carcinogens all over my projects.

Things Men [Don't] Do.

New Category: Broad, Sweeping, Generalizations.

1) Men don't worry about juggling work and family. They just go to work. They don't sit and think about who is going to clean, grocery shop, or do the laundry.

2) Men eat food they purchase at gas stations. Sometimes the hot food, sometimes just the junk food in bags. They will just as often eat the food that you make them. The short summary is, put food in front of a man and he will eat it.

3) Men worry about whether you are being nice to their mothers, but they don't worry about what they could do for yours.

4) Men don't agonize about finding the 'right' gift for your birthday. Ideally, you would tell them what you want and that's what they will give you.

5) Men won't accompany you when you have a business dinner, but they want you to attend theirs. You will not say anything, but its important that you be intelligent and accomplished - just in case.

6) Men only need one towel. Which is probably why they don't worry so much about laundry.

7) Men don't have any problem interrupting when you're trying to get work done, or assuming that you'll be able to drop everything to have an office conversation, be available for an appointment or social engagement.

8) Men cannot be interrupted when they are working. They have paperwork to complete, trips to make, responsibilities that mean that family and home must always come second. They have to do their jobs. Nothing should get in the way of that.

9) Men watch a lot of TV and they genuinely enjoy it.The commercials on their channels (the Golf channel, for example) are different.

10) Men who don't want something are not quite right. Men we support financially are often difficult to respect. Women who are supported financially by men are, likewise, often difficult for men to respect, but when women go to work, that isn't so comfortable either. See #7.

*More a commentary on the way that we raise men in American society than anything else. And not necessarily what makes women unhappy, in the big picture. We've been raised to want them to work; to want something. If we raise them another way? It doesn't quite work.

Your thoughts....?